Here’s a thought I had

Having high self-esteem and high standards don’t have to be mutually exclusive.

You don’t have to love yourself based on your self-comparison with certain standards or aspirations you might have.

You can love yourself and your standards for different reasons.

Moving on

I don’t want to run away this time, scrambling through the window like a madman. This time, calmly, I’m going to say what I need to and use the door.

I am drawn to blogging like the typical moth metaphor – and the moment I get close I feel the heat shoot through my wings and I naturally flinch away.  This will have been the second time I’ve attempted to make a personal blog…and whilst a little mixed emotionally, I think all attempts have helped me in some way to organise my thoughts. I would like to thank everyone that has supported me in my time on this blog thus far. Continue reading

Stone? Initiating vs. Giving. Also…a stone submissive? Also…gender things?

So ‘stone’ is a new term for me. I believe it means enjoying/being okay with giving (sexual) touch, but not receiving it, or at least having a strong preference in that direction. Do correct me if I got that wrong. (And, for the record, ‘paper’ meaning the opposite).

I mean, that’s definitely something I can identify with. But perhaps it is just an extension of my grey-a. After all, if I am the one initiating the touch, I am the one in control of it, which means I can have less contact at my discretion. Hypothetically, that is.

Non-sexually, I think I still prefer to give touch over receiving touch. Yet if someone else initiated contact I can enjoy it after a moment of ‘adjustment’, or if I was expecting it. In this sense, they can initiate contact, but I like to feel that we are on par with the giving, or that despite their initiation I still have control over the contact. Yet, I sometimes also enjoy having this control taken away, being surprised, my bubble popped, if you like. It makes me feel like I’m not alone, or not selfish. Even when I am ‘giving’ touch, I still feel that I am ‘receiving’ contact as a result, if you will, because I do not touch without knowing that it is okay, therefore their acceptance of it to me is a kind of reciprocation rather than just ‘receiving’. Then, there is the symbolic meaning of being touched, in whatever context, which can mean that I am desirable, wearing something soft, needed for comfort, or have reached a certain level of trust and connection with that person, and I can enjoy or actively desire touch for those reasons.

Sexually, the stone preference is stronger. I’ve come to realise that I just don’t like receiving sexual touch. At best, I am indifferent to receiving, or finding the sensation physically ok but emotionally ‘meh’, and at worst I am slightly repulsed, at which point I automatically dissociate and start viewing things purely scientifically. I’m referring to being naked and receiving skin on skin touch, and ‘down there’. This anti-receiving has a few key exceptions generally related to the symbolic meanings mentioned above. For instance, although I’ve realised I dislike kissing mouth-to-mouth as a general rule, I am very attracted to the first kiss in a relationship because of the emotional significance, likewise to kisses that come at key moments of reassurance or perhaps celebration. I’ve realised that all other kisses are somewhat of a compromise. Whilst rather minor compromises to me, their collection over time has made me feel more and more uncomfortable.

A stone submissive? Continue reading

Post coming out to partner thoughts

Well. First things first, it’s been a while since I last rambled on here. After having created this blog, what followed was a rather rushed and passionate series of posts that culminated in a particularly problematic post titled ‘What if I’m sexual but I want to be asexual?’, a diabolical mess of a post whose only redeeming quality was that it caused me to freak out and delete it after around one day of having it posted. It had a domino effect; soon my entire blog was entirely bare. It wasn’t even the last post I had on schedule (there was a mirror post ‘What if I’m asexual but I want to be sexual? as well as a few other discussions), but of course it all went down the drain. And now here we are. I didn’t even know if I would ever write here again. My sincere apologies. In full honesty and disclosure, I cannot truly promise that it will not happen again, and only say that, as I write this, I do not intend it to.

I should probably address my tendency to worry excessively about any form of me trying to express myself on personal matters, but that seems unlikely to go away any time soon and I’m not sure it’s something I can easily explain. I have however come (back) to the realisation that simply venting any and all (including problematic) thoughts that I may have is probably not the best way to go about things, no matter how inviting the urge.

I have also realised (again) that [other issues] I have really do interfere with me being able to pick apart my opinions and feelings on sexuality, romance, and relationships in a confident manner. This is…pretty significant, and incredibly disheartening. Even though I long since already knew this, to realise it afresh is always a heavy blow.

That aside, this is a sort of update on me, then, I guess, and the whole grey-a thoughts and that. Continue reading